I want to hear from YOU!

Usually whenever I think about updating this blog, I'm not near a computer. Or I don't have time to post something really clever... or thoughtful... or thought provoking. I have a lot to say... whether you want to hear it or know it or not. BUT... does anyone really care? Does anyone actually read this? I'd love to hear from you! Leave me a comment, send me an email or post to my Facebook. Tell me what you'd like for me to share and/or discuss here.

Ashes, Ashes...

No, we aren't falling down. Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. Lent is a period of 40 days that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Easter Sunday. It is a time of prayer and preparation for Christians. During this season, many believers choose to either fast or give up some luxury as a form of penitence.

Instead of "giving up" something for Lent and being in prayer during that time, I'm going to "add to"... I've decided to do random acts of kindness each day and use this opportunity to grow closer to God.

I know these acts could simply be holding the door open for someone or letting someone pull out in front of me in traffic. Those are easy. Those are also things I try to do in my daily life. I want to do something more. I want to have to make a concerted effort and do something more substantial.

Today, I've shared containers of homemade lasagna with four older members of our congregation. You may be thinking "Leftover? That's no so great." Well, it's not fresh out of the oven, no. But... these four people aren't going to have to worry about cooking a meal tonight. AND... the lasagna was really good!!

I want to think outside the box, outside my comfort zone. I have some ideas in mind... but I'm looking for others also.

Things I Love

Aside from the obvious "My Children"... some things I love:

* The color turquoise
* Happy surprise handwritten notes in my mailbox
* A really tender beef roast
* Massages
* Big closets
* My Mimi's mashed potatoes
* Eating at a Japanese Hibachi grill
* Coconut Rum
* Pedicures
* The smell of rain
* Naps
* My black yoga pants from Lady Foot Locker
* The Pioneer Woman
* A really full toothbrush
* Cooking for those I love
* Hearing a baby's giggle
* Reminiscing
* Road trips
* Bacon
* The smell of coffee brewing
* Wintergreen Lifesavers that have turned soft
* New friends that feel like old friends
* A bargain
* Hugs
* The smell of men's cologne
* Breakfast at Cracker Barrel
* "Found" money
* Knowing all my bills are current
* My black Frye boots
* Christmas shopping trips with Kim-Kim, my Asian lover
* Savannah, Charleston and Beaufort
* Being a woman
* Personalized and monogrammed stuff

Best Roast Ever. Period.

I had a woman inbox me on Facebook this week about placing an order for Pampered Chef. She came to my office to pay me for her order (Food Chopper and Deep Covered Baker). Then she told me about the way she makes roast in the Baker and swears it's the best roast ever. I love a good roast. But for the life of me, I've never been able to make what I consider to be a really good one. What makes a really good roast? Tender, salty and beefy. Period. Good beef doesn't need much "extra" flavor. I think my main problem over the years has been trying to rush it and get the roast cooked rather quickly because I haven't planned ahead too well.

I earned a Deep Covered Baker for submitting at least $1,250 in my first 30 days of business. As luck would have it, I received my Baker this week, so I planned ahead and decided to make the roast for supper tonight. OH. MY. GOSH. It really IS the best roast ever.

Chuck Roast
1 pkg. dry au jus mix

Place roast in Pampered Chef Deep Covered Baker. Sprinkle dry mix over roast. Place lid on baker. Bake 6-8 hours at 225°.

So tender, juicy and flavorful! Thank you Pam Galloway... for the order and the recipe!

Sopapilla Cheesecake

Night before last, I wanted something sweet after dinner. Not just a little sweet, but super ooey gooey decadent deliciousness. I was thinking chocolate. Nothing specific was coming to mind, so the cookbook perusing began. I found the recipe below. I had never heard of it before, which is unusual for me. It's not chocolate, but boy did it hit the spot! Last night, a friend came over and I offered her some dessert. Because of some severe food allergies she has, she asked what was in it. I told her the ingredients and she replied that sure she'd love some. Then she asked me if it was "Sopapilla Cheesecake Bars". I laughed and told her it was and she told me she LOVED it! She suggested warming it a bit and drizzling with honey before serving. Oh yeah... that made it even better!

Sopapilla Cheesecake

2 cans crescent rolls
2 8 oz. pkg. cream cheese, softened
1 c. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
½ c. cinnamon-sugar
1 stick melted butter

Spread 1 can crescent rolls into 9x13 baking dish. Beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla until smooth. Spread creamed mixture over crust. Top with 2nd can of crescent rolls. Drizzle with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon-sugar. Bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes. Let cool. Refrigerate overnight. Cut into squares or bars.

May also reheat in microwave and drizzle with honey before serving.

I'm 42... Elvis died at 42.

I do my best thinking in the shower. This morning I was thinking about today being my Grandpa's birthday. And then I thought about him being gone and what I remember about him. Then... it dawned on me--Elvis was 42 when he died; the same age I am now! He was an icon; a legend! Look at all he accomplished in his lifetime, the name he made for himself. "What name have I made for myself?", I wondered.

How will I be remembered? Simply, I want to be remembered as a GOOD person.

* a GOOD daughter who, more often than not, doesn't have the patience for her mother but delights in sharing crazy (but true) stories about her.

* a GOOD daughter who lovingly and patiently cared for her father when he was so ill--a man she had never been close to growing up, but longed for his attention.

* a GOOD granddaughter who feels that she owes so much to the two people she could always count on for unconditional love... she'll never be able to show them the love she was always given.

* a GOOD mother who, despite trying her best, mostly feels like a failure.

* a GOOD wife, whose husband no longer wants to be married to her.

Who am I? What will my legacy truly be? Will I be remembered as a selfish, spoiled bitch... really? I've tried to be a GOOD person; I really have. But so often, I feel as if I've fallen short too many times.

And so, the waiting begins...

How can it be so hard to sign one's name? I did that yesterday. Big Joz did too. The final paperwork for our divorce has now been filed. Mississippi has a mandatory 60-day waiting period... then our 21 1/2 marriage will end.

Fudge Pie

One of my goals this year is to try a new recipe every week and blog about it. So, here is week #1.

My mother and Mimi have made this pie ever since I can remember... and I've always loved it! Mimi made one of these for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and I failed to get a piece both times! Since I've been craving it, I decided to try and make one, even though I've tried before. I failed before; it separated. I asked Mimi what I did wrong and she said I overbeat it.

Take 2, last night:

Fudge Pie

1 unbaked 9” pie shell
1 stick butter
2 sq. unsweetened chocolate
4 eggs
1 ½ c. sugar
3 T light corn syrup
1 tsp. vanilla
¼ tsp. salt

In saucepan, melt butter and chocolate together over very low heat. With rotary beater, beat in rest of the ingredients until just blended. Pour into unbaked pie shell. Bake in 350° oven for 30 to 35 minutes or until knife inserted halfway between center and edges comes out clean. Do not overbake. Pie should shake a little in center like custard so it will not be too stiff when cool. Cool pie thoroughly before cutting.

Results: I can't get this "beating/blending" down pat; it separated again. The top should have a very smooth, glass-like look to it. Mine didn't. It looked a little bumpy. After it cooled completely, I cut into it. Again, separation occured. Dang. So what I ended up with was a pecan pie filling goo at the bottom with the chocolate on top.

What did I do wrong? I mixed all the other ingredients together in a glass batter bowl with a whisk while the chocolate and butter were melting. I was careful to just blend. Then, when the melted chocolate mixture was ready, I poured it into the other and carefully whisked until just mixed.

I called Mimi this morning. She said I overbeat it. What?? I was very careful (I thought). Also, I shouldn't mix or stir ANYTHING until it's all in the saucepan together. So... I'll try again. But, for the record, it did taste good, it just looked odd.

Overwhelmed

Something happened today that left me nearly speechless. No small feat.

I'm busting my Sin City cherry in a couple of months. That's right, I'm going to Vegas! It's a place I've always wanted to go to, just to say I've been... once. Anytime Big Joz and I have been in a casino (which number maybe 9 at the most), we've each been alloted a certain amount of money (typically $20 each) to "blow". The very first time we ever went to a casino, Big Joz blew $100 in the first... oh... 27 seconds. Then he wanted to get money out of the ATM machine. Then he wanted to get an advance on his credit card. Then he wanted to get an advance on MY credit card. Then he wanted to sell our first-born child. Big Joz is now only ever allowed to walk in a casino with a $20 bill... no plastic of any sort!!

All that to say... a gambler, I'm not. But a sightseer and adventurer, I am!!

So, I'll be making the maiden voyage to Vegas for a work trip. I'm doing some continuing education for my job and will be earning credits toward certification. In order to earn the money for my trip, members of the church where I work are being asked (voluntarily) to sponsor different parts of the trip, such as different classes, nights of lodging, so many miles of airfare, etc. In addition, Big Joz and I will be catering a "Sunday lunch" in a couple of weeks with all proceeds going to pay for trip expenses.

The first donations came in Sunday and I was pleasantly surprised. I've always been told what a generous congregation this was and after my love gift at Christmas, I learned first hand. Anyway, a few other people have asked, inquired and discussed with me how they'd like to help me, which has excited me to no end. I will celebrate my first anniversary with this church tomorrow and I absolutely LOVE my job. Ask anyone who knows me... they can attest to it!

I should mention that I'm a church secretary... at a denomation that's different than where I'm a member (and where I worked previously). When I worked at my previous church job, I asked if the church would pay my annual dues to my professional assocation (which were $50 annually). I was quickly told no, that there were no funds available. Period. I was very disappointed since I knew that $50 in that particular church's budget wouldn't even cause the water to stir around.

In order to maintain my certification with Church A, I'm required to attend a national conference every 4 years. Church B funded my trip to Church A's national conference this spring... and were supportive. I couldn't ask Church B to pay for a second national conference in one year. Besides... this trip will be more costly since I'll have to purchase an airline ticket.

I'm really digressing. Sorry. It's the Coco Beach.

Today, I received a donation to the "Send Mama Joz to Sin City" fund. A person I didn't know at all before I started work there but have gotten to know a little and am really fond of, had mailed a check for $500. I was absolutely dumbfounded when I opened the envelope. I checked to make sure that the words "five hundred" were actually written out; that the person hadn't meant $5 or $50... "five hundred" was actually written out. Wow! I can't express how humbled I felt. Someone I didn't know a year ago was investing $500 (that's a LOT of money!) in me... in my education.

I am SOO SOO grateful. Not only for this wonderful gift, but for the opportunity to work for a group of people who believe in me and what I do. This past year has been the best year of my work career. I feel loved, appreciated, supported. That's priceless. I absolutely LOVE my job and the people I work for! I am overwhelmed by their love and generosity!

Life SUCKS today...

I haven’t spoken to my son since he grabbed me in a fit of rage Sunday. Every night, my stomach has churned, hoping and praying that I didn’t receive any bad news about him.

Bud slept until 3:00 that afternoon, then got up and showered, ready to start his day (meaning leave the house immediately, getting away from us and avoiding any work or chores). First, though, he wanted my debit card so he could fill his truck up with gas. At that point, Big Joz and I told the kids it was time to have a family discussion about finances. We are going to be following Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover starting August 1. More on that later. Anyway, Bud was completely belligerent and defiant about this whole money discussion. One area that we specifically wanted and needed to discuss with him was how much our household spends on gasoline each month. He uses almost the same amount that Big Joz and I do together. Now, considering that we have J-O-B-S and he doesn’t (nor is he going to school this summer), that just doesn’t seem right to me AT ALL. Anyway, long story short, he ended up getting so angry, he yelled, cussed, called names and decided to become physical about his feelings and emotions. He left, on foot, and I haven’t heard from him since.

Big Joz texted him Sunday night and all day Monday, begging him to come home, but Bud simply stated there was no way he’d come home to a “f*ck^ng b#tch who didn’t give a sh@t about her son”. Big Joz suspended his phone service Monday night.

I have no idea where he is, who he is with or what he has been doing. The Mama in me worries constantly anyway and the last few days have been Hell. The Mama Joz in me is stubborn… let him stay gone, without a phone and a vehicle and an “endless” supply of financial support. He’s 18 years old and needs to learn a life lesson from all this. My house has stayed neat and tidy, my nerves haven’t been shot, my money hasn’t been spent carelessly. However, the Mama in me seems to be prevailing… and I want my son home.

2. My friend moved. I miss her immensely. When she moved, I lost not only my very dear friend, but my sister, my child, my housekeeper, my masseuse, my bartender, my dog sitter, my sous chef, my shadow. I know this is the best decision for all of us, but dang. I miss her. And I worry about her. Oh how I hope she takes this “last chance” and does something productive.

3. TMMO. Living on a budget. Having to say “no” to my children. Having to say “no” to Self. I don’t want to start polishing my own toenails. Damn, I have a hard enough time bending over to tie my shoes (on the rare occasions I wear something but flip flops)… but polishing my toes? And staying in the lines??

4. My marriage. After a very heated argument July 2, I left home and spent the next 48 hours in solitude; completely alone, evaluating my relationship with my husband (and the one we have with our son). The one condition on my coming home was that we start going to counseling. We have our 3rd appointment this afternoon. I love Big Joz with all my heart; he’s my best friend and he makes me laugh. We have fun together. We want to grow old together. He’s the one I want beside me when I rock my grandbabies. But, we aren’t on the same page with a few things (raising children, discipline, support and finances) and it’s very difficult for me right now.

5. My little Pud. Oh how that child worries me. Pud has absolutely ZERO concept of money! When we discussed the family budget, she guessed that our mortgage was $275 a month (of course, then she admitted that she really didn’t even know what a mortgage is); we spend $150 a month on food (groceries AND dining out) for our family of 4 and bless her heart, we spend a whopping $75 on gasoline every month for our three vehicles. WOW. She called me yesterday asking what I thought rent would be for an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. I guessed $2,000; she announced that she had found a bargain, then, because the 1 bedroom loft she found was ONLY $1,600!

All she wants in life is to be signed to Elite Model Agency. She has begged me to buy her pills which claim to increase your height (since she was told she needed to be at least 5’ 5”). She talks about us going to Miami as if it were on our calendar to leave tomorrow.

She has decided she needs a tutor so she can get lots of scholarships for her to go to school at NYU and major in fashion merchandising.

Once again, she has decided she doesn’t want to go to her private school because of all the drama. While NOT paying tuition again sounds oh so wonderful, TOUGH—make your decisions in life and deal with them. Life ain’t always rosy, sister. Trust me. So some of your friends are b%tch+s… you act like one sometimes, too!!

Well, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. Yes, it totally sucks… BUT, I know that these things, too, shall pass. When I look at things in perspective, I realize that it all really isn’t THAT bad… really. I have a whole ton I should be thankful for… and at times (when the sun is shining, the air conditioner is blowing COOL air and I’m not in a Benadryl-induced sleeping fog), I really am a happy person. But, last night, my thoughts just totally sucked!!

Thank you for listening and caring about me and mine. Now, if you don’t mind, say a little prayer for all of us!