I haven’t spoken to my son since he grabbed me in a fit of rage Sunday. Every night, my stomach has churned, hoping and praying that I didn’t receive any bad news about him.
Bud slept until 3:00 that afternoon, then got up and showered, ready to start his day (meaning leave the house immediately, getting away from us and avoiding any work or chores). First, though, he wanted my debit card so he could fill his truck up with gas. At that point, Big Joz and I told the kids it was time to have a family discussion about finances. We are going to be following Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover starting August 1. More on that later. Anyway, Bud was completely belligerent and defiant about this whole money discussion. One area that we specifically wanted and needed to discuss with him was how much our household spends on gasoline each month. He uses almost the same amount that Big Joz and I do together. Now, considering that we have J-O-B-S and he doesn’t (nor is he going to school this summer), that just doesn’t seem right to me AT ALL. Anyway, long story short, he ended up getting so angry, he yelled, cussed, called names and decided to become physical about his feelings and emotions. He left, on foot, and I haven’t heard from him since.
Big Joz texted him Sunday night and all day Monday, begging him to come home, but Bud simply stated there was no way he’d come home to a “f*ck^ng b#tch who didn’t give a sh@t about her son”. Big Joz suspended his phone service Monday night.
I have no idea where he is, who he is with or what he has been doing. The Mama in me worries constantly anyway and the last few days have been Hell. The Mama Joz in me is stubborn… let him stay gone, without a phone and a vehicle and an “endless” supply of financial support. He’s 18 years old and needs to learn a life lesson from all this. My house has stayed neat and tidy, my nerves haven’t been shot, my money hasn’t been spent carelessly. However, the Mama in me seems to be prevailing… and I want my son home.
2. My friend moved. I miss her immensely. When she moved, I lost not only my very dear friend, but my sister, my child, my housekeeper, my masseuse, my bartender, my dog sitter, my sous chef, my shadow. I know this is the best decision for all of us, but dang. I miss her. And I worry about her. Oh how I hope she takes this “last chance” and does something productive.
3. TMMO. Living on a budget. Having to say “no” to my children. Having to say “no” to Self. I don’t want to start polishing my own toenails. Damn, I have a hard enough time bending over to tie my shoes (on the rare occasions I wear something but flip flops)… but polishing my toes? And staying in the lines??
4. My marriage. After a very heated argument July 2, I left home and spent the next 48 hours in solitude; completely alone, evaluating my relationship with my husband (and the one we have with our son). The one condition on my coming home was that we start going to counseling. We have our 3rd appointment this afternoon. I love Big Joz with all my heart; he’s my best friend and he makes me laugh. We have fun together. We want to grow old together. He’s the one I want beside me when I rock my grandbabies. But, we aren’t on the same page with a few things (raising children, discipline, support and finances) and it’s very difficult for me right now.
5. My little Pud. Oh how that child worries me. Pud has absolutely ZERO concept of money! When we discussed the family budget, she guessed that our mortgage was $275 a month (of course, then she admitted that she really didn’t even know what a mortgage is); we spend $150 a month on food (groceries AND dining out) for our family of 4 and bless her heart, we spend a whopping $75 on gasoline every month for our three vehicles. WOW. She called me yesterday asking what I thought rent would be for an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. I guessed $2,000; she announced that she had found a bargain, then, because the 1 bedroom loft she found was ONLY $1,600!
All she wants in life is to be signed to Elite Model Agency. She has begged me to buy her pills which claim to increase your height (since she was told she needed to be at least 5’ 5”). She talks about us going to Miami as if it were on our calendar to leave tomorrow.
She has decided she needs a tutor so she can get lots of scholarships for her to go to school at NYU and major in fashion merchandising.
Once again, she has decided she doesn’t want to go to her private school because of all the drama. While NOT paying tuition again sounds oh so wonderful, TOUGH—make your decisions in life and deal with them. Life ain’t always rosy, sister. Trust me. So some of your friends are b%tch+s… you act like one sometimes, too!!
Well, that’s my life in a nutshell right now. Yes, it totally sucks… BUT, I know that these things, too, shall pass. When I look at things in perspective, I realize that it all really isn’t THAT bad… really. I have a whole ton I should be thankful for… and at times (when the sun is shining, the air conditioner is blowing COOL air and I’m not in a Benadryl-induced sleeping fog), I really am a happy person. But, last night, my thoughts just totally sucked!!
Thank you for listening and caring about me and mine. Now, if you don’t mind, say a little prayer for all of us!
