My Bosoms (and Way Too Much Info for the Regular Joe!)

Getting older is beginning to not be so much fun.

I went for my annual exam a couple of weeks ago. My doctor (OK, actually it was the nurse practitioner I saw because my “regular” doctor--the one I’ve seen once before), is swamped. Turns out, I really like Alison, so it worked out great for me—which is what it’s all supposed to be about anyway, right?? While I was there, Alison asked me if I was interested in getting my “Healthy You!” screening. “Healthy You!” is a wellness program offered by Mississippi Blue Cross/Blue Shield which will pay for a urinalysis, CBC, glucose, and lipid labs and a mammogram once a year for women my age. Thirty-nine for just over another month, thank you!! Free tests to make sure I’m up to par? Sure! Sign me up! Especially since the government is wanting to change all that. That’s another story, though.

Luckily, my Pap came back normal. That’s where the fun ends. Like there’s ever any fun involved with a Pap to begin with!

My urinalysis showed a urinary tract infection. OK…didn’t realize anything was wrong, but one round of antibiotics later and hopefully that little issue is taken care of.

CBC showed my white blood cells a little elevated, but that was understandable due to the UTI. Glucose was within normal limits (thank goodness I’ve not developed diabetes like several other members of my family!). Lipids… hmmm…. My cholesterol was a little high (202). Not too too bad considering my butter intake, I think. However, broken down, my “good” cholesterol was not too good and my “bad” cholesterol was a little bad. I’ve got to be more mindful of my diet and exercise for the next six months. OK, I can handle all that.

Two days ago I went for my first mammogram. Was a tiny touch wigged out because of my mother instilling in me the thought of the power going out while my boobs were smooshed. I’m sorry…you now have a visual concept of that, don’t you? Thank my mother next time you see her.

Whatever dignity a woman has before childbirth pretty much flies out the window afterward. Well, it did for me anyway. So having another woman place and arrange my ta-tas on a cold plate was really no big deal. I realize I’m not like most women. The “pressure” that was supposed to feel “uncomfortable” was really no big deal either. I won’t tell you what my friend said about that, but you can probably imagine.

So, the mammographer takes the usual images—front and diagonal of each breast. Then she comes back in needing to take two more of the right breast. Not unusual for a first mammogram, on someone “younger” with denser breasts. These, I learned, were “spot” films…she was getting a better look at a particular area. After those, she came back in needing one more. This time, my right boob was smashed side to side as I leaned into the machine—the mammographer was below me trying to “adjust” me just so—kind of like the game Twister.

I heard talking outside the exam room. I figured out the mammographer was talking to the radiologist.

Next thing I know, I’m escorted to the ultrasound room. The tech squeezed the warm, blue gel on me; it made me remember the old days of listening to the baby’s heartbeat. No noise this time, though. She showed me the area that the mammographer was probably seeing and took several images.

After I got dressed, the radiologist spoke with me and showed me all my films. Not that I understood what I was looking at, but still getting to see “it” satisfied my curiosity. There is a “mass” about 9 mm in my right breast. It’s probably a fibroadenoma as he told me, 95% chance of being a benign tumor, but he would be recommending a biopsy.

Yesterday morning, Alison called me to go over the results of the day before. Poor thing…when I came in that day, she probably was thinking “routine exam”…. No big deal. Little did she know. Nothing about me is routine! She said that the radiologist’s report listed the mass as a Category 4—“suspicious abnormality”. She also concurred with the radiologist and recommended me having a biopsy.

I have an appointment Monday morning with a “breast specialist”—only the best for my boobs, you know! He’ll look at my films, go over my records and discuss what will happen next.

And just so you know…I’m not worried, scared or freaked out. At least I think I’m not.

Cooking is therapeutic for me and last night I made Peanut Brittle for the very first time in my life. My excuse was that I didn’t want my dear sweet husband to go without homemade Peanut Brittle at Christmastime. His Grammi made it every year and he had commented that he guessed he wouldn’t have any this year. He does now. And right now, I have chicken on the stove and am going to attempt to make chicken and dumplings for the very first time in my life.

No, I’m not worried, scared or freaked out… I just want to KNOW.

Mr. Big...a love/hate relationship...

No, I'm not talking about Sex & The City.

I ran over my dog. It was an accident....seriously, it was!

This is the dog I really didn't want. Pud begged for him and promised she would take total responsibility for him. I knew better, but Big Joz gave in, so we got Mr. Big. And, in all honesty, he was pretty cute and hard to resist...at first. Now, he pees and poops all over our house. It disgusts me. It disgusts me more that Pud doesn't clean up after him like she promised she would!

As if the peeing and pooping thing wasn't a big enough issue, he started having seizures. Initially the vet thought he was hypoglycemic, so following a seizure, we'd give him a spoonful of Karo syrup. The seizures were pretty sporadic, but often enough that it was a little frustrating. In August, he had five pretty major seizures in about a 16-hour time period. Out of Karo syrup, I took him to the vet. Turns out, Mr. Big is epileptic and now takes Phenobarbital twice a day.

OK, so we have this dog I didn't want. Now the dog uses our floors for his toilet. And he is on twice-daily meds for epilepsy. Gosh, I just don't understand why I would rather he live somewhere else!

Big Joz threatened to just turn him out and let him loose, but I just didn't have the heart to allow him to go through with it. He also threatened to take him to the pound and say we just found him. Again, I couldn't do it...what would he do without his medicine?

Sunday night, it happened. As I was pulling into the garage, I saw our other dog, Ben, run out from the back yard (the fence had been left open). What I didn't see was Mr. Big run towards me. I heard this spine-chilling noise, instantly realizing what had happened. Our little six pound nuisance got under my more than six pound vehicle and tire. Oh, the sounds he made. I panicked... should I pull forward? Should I back up? I think I did both. Then put the car in park and hoped to high heavens he wasn't completely mangled, enough to make one's stomach sink further into the pits of Hell.

He was obviously injured. I brought him inside to see how badly he was hurt. He wouldn't even look at me (although hearing my voice did seem to calm him down). I went outside to turn the car off and when I came back in, he had wandered off and hidden from me. Then Big Joz and the kids started arriving home. I secretly told Big Joz what had happened and he went looking for Mr. Big. When he found him, he brought him to our bed and wrapped him in a blanket. Big Joz thought Mr. Big would be fine. Whew!

The next morning, Big never made his presence known. It alarmed becuase he is usually underfoot every time I turn around, peeing or pooping somewhere else. When I found him, he still wouldn't look at me. And his injured leg was really warm to the touch. And swollen. And kind of dangling. So I went against what Big Joz had told me and I took him to the vet, where I left him for tests and x-rays.

Yesterday morning I got the call saying that he had a compound fracture in his leg, he was dehydrated and his liver enzymes were high. Because of the medicine he takes for epilepsy, they had to be really cautious with the anesthetic they would need to use the set the leg (or to put him to sleep for surgery if the leg couldn't be set). The vet had hoped to set the leg yesterday morning, but Mr. Big had had some seizures, so he waited. I just called the vet's office again this morning to check on him. The vet was able to set the leg this morning and he has a soft bandage/cast that he will wear for (hopefully) about three weeks. He will also be on antibiotics for about three weeks (in addition to his Phenobarb). I get to pick him up at four this afternoon. I wonder if he'll look at me?

Mr. Big, I'm sorry you were stupid enough to get under my car. Mr. Big, I'm sorry you're going to end up costing us mucho cash for this. Mr. Big, I'm sorry you'll come home and pee and poop in our floor. Mr. Big, I've missed you snuggling in my bed. Mr. Big, I promise I didn't run over you on purpose. Mr. Big, I do hate some of the things you do, but I do love you, too.

Lava

Big Joz has been wanting new dishes for a while now, but I was perfectly content with what I had. Yes, the Pfaltzgraff Heritage we eat from dailiy is over 19 years old and some pieces are definitely showing their age. But I like my dishes. They are my wedding dishes. And food looks good on them. They are simple and traditional...you know, like me. Besides, if he'll get rid of our dishes, what's next? ME?? I digress....

For the last few months, anytime we'd go someplace that carried dishes, we'd look. But of course, nothing came to close to making us love them the way Heritage did.

Wednesday afternoon we were at Belk and Big Joz caved...he found some he liked...A LOT! They are called Oneida Lava or Oneida Effects Lava, depending on where you're looking. The original price on these little jewels is $100 for four 4-pc. place settings. That's 25 bucks a place setting, which if you broke it down by four pieces, maybe it doesn't sound too bad at $6.25 per piece, but that's another story. Luckily, they were on sale for the low, low price of $69.99. Geeshhh--still way too much for me to pay for dishes when I have a cabinet full of white aged dinnerware at home.

Yesterday's mail brought 15% off coupons on sale items in the Home department at Belk. Last night (ok, really it was more like 1:00 this morning!) on the Belk website, they had Big Joz's new favorite, modern Lava dishes 75% off--that's right--$25 for the $100 set (that's $1.56 per piece, you math nerds!)

The "Completer Set" (platter & vegetable bowl) was also 75% off (down to $17.50 from $70).

So, today I head off to Belk with coupon in hand and proudly announce that I wanted four of those $25 bargains. The clerk politely told me that I must be mistaken on the price. Uh oh. Please don't tell me I'm wrong. That just doesn't happen you know. I insisted that I was going to pay the online advertised price of $25. In all her smug certainty, she took the box to the register to scan it to "verify" the $69.99 price for me. Lo and behold, it was she, not I, who was incorrect!!

So tonight, I've been unwrapping our new dishes. I ended up buying four sets (16 place settings) plus a completer set for $106.86. But wait...there's more! When I got home, I realized I had a credit on my Belk card (because I had paid if off earlier this year and overpaid by $100). So, in essence, today I purchased $502.90 worth of dishes for SIX DOLLARS AND EIGHTY-SIX CENTS!!!!

Merry Christmas Big Joz!

Love,
Your favorite Bargain Hunter

Tammy The Trainer

This morning was a little different than my other mornings have been.

In an effort to not look like I do right now on my 40th birthday (which is January 29, 2010--mark your calendars now so you won't forget!), I have taken the personal trainer plunge. Seeing as how I'm unemployed and broke, I thought this was a smart move on my part.

Got to bed late last night and was up early this morning...little drizzling rain action going on, so of course, after the kids are off to school, what do I want to do? Go back to bed!!

However, I reluctantly go to my first scheduled visit with "Tammy the Trainer". She seemed nice enough...until she started abusing my body. Here's how it went down:

I started on the treadmill, going really fast and really steep...you know, like I almost have to run...uphill...for a whole FIVE minutes!

Then I have to go do some stuff on the "Smith Machine". The Smith Machine is not my friend. I do push ups, pull ups and all kinds of stuff on it.

After that comes squat lunge things. I look really ignorant, I'm quite certain, but Tammy the Trainer says I have great form. After my legs feel like jello, I do the elliptical for another five minutes.

Then back to more things that make me look stupid, only now with a big bouncy ball. I would prefer to just sit and bounce on it, but Tammy the Trainer says crunches would work my abs a little more, so I do some of those, then each side, then back to the middle.

At some point, I go do the bicycle...thank God--it's easy! Oh no, Tammy the Trainer jacks that thing up too! At the end of the 45 minute cruel and unusual punishment mission, I use some weights and squat, then reach to the side, squat, then reach to the other side. At this point, I collapse in the floor, then it's over.

So, here's what I've learned from Tammy the Trainer...I'm an Apple; she's a Pear. I have great calves. She has beautiful white teeth and beautiful red hair. And she's out to kill me.

Wax On, Wax Off

I went for my first bikini wax today. Left my dignity at the door.

Pud & I are leaving for the beach with friends of ours Friday. I'm SOOO excited!! However, given my larger mid-section, I knew that my bikini area had not had the proper attention paid to it as of late, so I scheduled a wax. The day I scheduled my appointment, I read online about a woman dying following a bikini wax because she developed cellulitis. That's comforting. I could die because I'm fat.

My friend told me to take some Advil before I went. I would rather have had a glass (bottle) of wine. But, since I had to come back to work, I didn't think the alcohol would be my best option. Besides, that may add to the risk factor of cellulitis, I don't know.

I was scared to death and nervous as a whore in church before my appointment. Thought about canceling, but remembered that I can't see the Bic down there. And I remembered how Big Joz's mother looked on her first day at the beach...like she was "trying to smuggle Chewbacca in her underpants," said my sympathetic husband. I didn't want that.

I walked in to the day spa and this very nice girl led me back to a quiet room (with rather bright lights for a day spa!). Now, I had already given the lighting situation some thought. I am typically not really a modest person, but the idea of having my nether regions on display for a stranger to do something really hurtful to me freaked me out a little. Then I realized that the stranger would have hot wax around my nether regions...maybe it'd be best if she could actually SEE what she was doing!

She asked me "how much" I wanted her to do. I explained to her that I didn't want to embarrass myself or others by the sight of me in a swimsuit (refer to above comment about Big Joz's mom). I wanted to get my money's worth, but there was no need of exposing the full monty.

She then handed me a piece of dental floss with a small triangle-shaped one-ply napkin. I could wear this if I felt more "comfortable". Really?? At this point, it's like childbirth...I was on display for a stranger to have her hands touching parts of my body that are for my husband's pleasure, not hers.

And so, the torture began.

Actually, it wasn't as bad as I had expected (must have been the Advil!). I just wish it could have been as simple as one big rip off rather than several smaller ones. After a while in the same area, I got a little sore. Then she pulled out the tweezers. And keep in mind, we were just talking and laughing the entire time. That seemed to put me at ease a little, though.

So, I'm no longer a bikini wax virgin...Laura took that from me. All in all, it's not something I will look forward to doing again, but when the time comes, maybe I won't be quite so freaked out.

New Bed

I've got a little day trip planned today. I'm going to Selmer (isn't that a funny name for a town) this afternoon. My dad is meeting me there to pick up my niece and nephew who have been visiting since Saturday. I'm glad they got to come. Really.

On the way back, Bud, Pud & I are going to stop in Tupelo and run a few errands. We're going out in the middle of nowhere to buy a new bed from some nut case. Big Joz found the ad in the paper last week. The seller is rude as hell, but he has a brand new queen-size Tempurpedic mattress, box springs & platform for $400 (retail price--$2K+). Seems as if he went to a furniture store auction and ended up with several. Lucky us.

We love our king-size Tempurpedic that's in our bedroom downstairs. Mimi & Grandpa will be getting that bed when they come. The guest room will become Big Joz's & my new little love haven once they get here. We're going to be replacing the full-size bed that's in there now with the new queen. The full bed is OK for a night or two, but for something longer-term, it would be very uncomfortable (that's how we've tried to keep guests at bay--having a yukky bed). Just kidding. Really.

Anyway, since we're getting a new bed, we also need new...bedding! Big Joz and I talked it over during last night's anniversary dinner. Since we're buying new, let's just go all out and buy something absolutely fabulous, luxurious and delicious (translate--very expensive). However, being the practical person that I am and all (don't laugh), I thought we should be a little more reasonable. Besides, I don't think the oak furniture would give the lush, grandiose & extravagant fabric justice!

I've kind of for a long time secretly desired for a yellow bedroom...BUTTER yellow, of course! So I was thinking of a butter yellow, sage & white room. I had the perfect yellow quilt in mind. But, I don't think that'd look real good with the gray paint that's on the walls right now, though. And, since Big Joz is being such a good guy today, repainting a bedroom is just not something I'm going to put on his honey-do list right now. Too bad, though, because he also agreed that yellow would have been an option for him.

So, we decided to stick with our current color palette of gray, garnet & navy. Hopefully I'll find the perfect garnet down comforter today.

Have you missed me??

I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore. Well, except for maybe my PECA friends. But now that I know there's at least somewhat of an interest, I'll try to do better at keeping y'all in the loop with the lives of Mama Joz, Big Joz, Bud & Pud.

For now, though, I'm going to go back to bed. Was there for a while, but couldn't sleep. Since Big Joz was tired and all, I thought it best that I get up and try doing something to make me sleepy. So I balanced my checkbook. That just made my stomach upset. Then I opted for a glass of wine. That just gave me the heartburn.

Big changes are in store for all of us in the not-so-distant future. Stay tuned.

Completely off the subject, but is anyone else sick and tired of the Michael Jackson news?? I'm sorry if this offends any of you (you know, the ONE person who reads it!), but dang--he's a freak of nature who molested children...Beat It, Michael...good riddance!

By the way, Big Joz got called "Papa Joz" tonight...I kinda liked it. So, if you hear me talk about Papa Joz, don't think I'm referring to Big Joz's dad or anything.

Words on Women & Strength

As a daughter, mother, sister or friend, please watch and read:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q